Colossians 4:6: Let your speech at all times be gracious and pleasant, seasoned with salt, so that you will know how to answer each one [who questions you].
I like to think that I am salty with my speech but sometimes I actually pay attention to what I say. I hear my words echoed back to with a bitter blandness that you would expect out of an unbeliever. I do this and have done this to fit in. To allow myself to take up the same space as an unbeliever while choking in their shallow air. My mind doesn’t rest around people like this. Worst of all around believers who clearly live lives under God, acknowledging Him but still choosing their own path because God’s path is too hard. I roll my eyes saying this all with my two sleeping kids and no father for them in sight. I stole that from them like David stole Uriah’s life from his wife. I thought that I was more important the first time and allowed sin to eat at my Holy life the second time. How much worse is it to have children that go without a father than to have no children at all? I’ll never know. They’ll never know. I look in the eyes of my baby saying “Yahweh”, praying that she’ll know a Father. The only one she’ll ever need. My oldest though is different. She has a fire that I seem to fan while her father can tame and manipulate it to work to his favor. He doesn’t see it because nothing that he does of his own will produces good fruit but his spirit is so powerful and loving that it can silence a storm. He grew up of the flesh and I believe is embracing his spirit as he experiences more and it’s so beautiful to watch. Even moreso, it’s beautiful to see its impact on our girl. I’ve loved him since we had her but my selfish ambition to always be right let me take him away from her. I can’t believe how much I’ve learned over these last few years while trying to date again and being alone. My spirit wants to submit to his so badly but my flesh just fights me. It wants to throw fits and punish while my spirit wants to forgive and heal. It feels like a constant battle but I can finally drown out my flesh now like I never could before. My new motto today was ” b**** and moan or leave it alone”. Its funny how when you put it that way, anything is endurable. I am going to continue to try to endure the pain of this life to find peace and fulfillment in the next one. Pray for me! Until next time…